The Bathing Suit - June 03, 2006

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit.

When I was a child, the bathing suit for the woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure. Boned, trussed, and reinforced, those swim suits were not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job.

Today, stretch-fabric bathing suits are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped out of marble. The woman with a mature figure has little choice. She can either front up at the maternity wear department and try on a floral costume with a skirt and come away looking like a hippopotamus that has escaped from Fantasia - or she can wander around any run-of-the-mill bathing costume departments and try to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around.I made my choice and disappeared in to the small chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed about the bathing suit was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra that goes into bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets by a sling shot. And it comes with the bonus that as long as you can lever your body into a Lycra suit, you can protect your vital organs from shark attack; the reason being that any shark foolish enough to take a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer from jaw whiplash injury.

I fought my way into the first suit but as I twanged the last shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror. My bosom had disappeared. I found one cowering under my left armpit. It took a little longer to find the other-flattened beside my 7th rib. The problem is today's suits don't have bra cups.

The mature woman isn't meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and turned to the mirror to make a full-view assessment. The suit fit all right. Unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out of the top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of playdough wearing an undersized piece of cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all these extra bits of me had come from, the sales girl poked her head around the curtain. "Oh, there y'all are," she asped.

"Yes, they are ALL me," I replied, looking at the extra bits. "What else have you got?" I tried on a crinkled cream one which made me look like designer tape. I tried on a floral two-piece which made me look like an oversized napkin in a napkin ring. I struggled into one of leopard skin with a ragged frill and ended up looking like Tarzan on an off day. I donned a black one with a net midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning, and I tried on a pink one whose legs were so high cut I would have needed to wax my eyebrows to wear it, luckily I was prepared for this one! *wink*

Finally - success. I found the one that fit. A two piece with a short style bottom and halter neck top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge friendly.

I bought it. When I got home I read the label: "Material may become transparent in water." I am determined to wear it. I just have to learn how to do the breaststroke on dry land.

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WHAT YOU MAY AND MAY NOT WEAR TO THE POOL

A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.

1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:

1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.

1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.

1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.

1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.

1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool thankyouverymuch.

2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.

3) No thongs under any circumstances.

4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.

A few rules for what women can and cannot wear at a private pool.

1) Thongs are encouraged... however only if certain conditions are met.

1A) There must be a direct correlation to the amount of total square inches of skin, to the total amount of square inches of bathing suit. In other words, if you are any larger than a mini van, a string bikini should be frowned upon.

1B) Thongs or ass floss as they have been come to be known in pool and beach circles, should be worn as long as there is not more cellulite on your buttocks than in one of Mel Gibson's Epic type movies.

2) Women with near perfect figures, cannot wear one piece bathing suits... plain and simple. Damn, I know it's a sexist world, but it's the world that we live in.

3) Curlers are strictly forbidden.