A Few "Easy" Steps To Capture a Man's Ummmm...Attention *wink* - December 06, 2006

How To Land A Man

While I've personally never posted a personal ad...I've been reading them for a few years just for fun. They truly fascinate me. Online dating is the new and up-cumming way for "hip" people to meet and mate, and I think that if one is aware of its pitfalls and doesn't have one's expectations set too high or too low, one can really get something meaningful out of it. In particular, I've been reading the ads/personals that straight men post, and I think I've just now figured out the absolutely PERFECT woman for the average guy looking for a date/f*ck/whatever-as-long-as-it's-not-'girlfriend' online. It's really simple when you read between the lines!

Let's get started. Are YOU the perfect woman?? Keep your fingers crossed!

DIET & BODY TYPE-

She has to be the type that counts calories and watches her weight obsessively, lest she pork up and/or let herself go, at least while she's with HIM.

BUT, she also has to be down for late-night junk-food runs, snacking and staying in on weekends for lazy sex and movie marathons on the couch.

So that means...she has to be a careless eater who can somehow magically avoid packing on the pounds. (See how simple this all is??)

She also has to be thin, athletic and outdoorsy.

At the same time... she can't be too thin, or too muscular, as men still want curves, not pointy hips and knees or rock-hard biceps.

But they should be natural curves, as most don't like the feel of implants.

So that means...she has to be a thin, athletic woman with a liberal diet and zero body fat with no bony bits and big, natural tits. (Okay, I have the natural big tits and that's about it...)

GROOMING-

She has to be a girly-girl; flawless makeup, perfect hair, high heels, designer clothes, french-tip nails, hairless down there, bleached asshole... the whole nine yards.

BUT she can't be high maintenance; she has to be able to run in clear stripper-heels and do a touchdown without ruining her makeup..

At the same time...TOO much makeup is a deal-killer.

So all she has to do is look flawless at all times (dressed and naked) *well, who among we females DOESN'T manage to carry this off?? (Rolling my eyes)* while at the same time, she should not be high-maintenance or too much trouble...not take forever to get ready, and she also can't be the type who wears a lot of makeup and has fussy hair extensions and a radioactive spray-on tan. (In other words, low maintenance and no trouble, with a high maintenance Victoria's Secret type of look going on, all the time)

EDUCATION-

She has to be really smart, and have a good grasp of politics and current events.
But not so smart that she's outspoken or opinionated. (or would that be smart enough to keep her mouth shut?)

And especially not so smart that she dares to disagree with him.

So, she has to be a well-educated, independent woman who knows that her rightful place is not in a men's conversation, or knowing more than he does on any subject.

Bonus points for a PhD candidate in astro-physics who doesn't dare open her mouth lest she make him feel stupid.

INDEPENDENCE-

She has to be the sort of woman who can solve problems on her own; change her own oil, unplug her own kitchen sink, that sort of thing without interrupting the sports TV schedule on the weekends.

She also has to be able to get by with neither his assistance nor his presence, as he needs to spend his weekends with the boys doing "Man Stuff".

But she can't be so independent that she'd dare to spend her time with the girls doing girly 'chick (not Woman) stuff', especially if it involves spending money, whether or not it's his...she should be ready to be at his beck and call, beer in hand.

And even if she can wield a torque wrench with her bare (perfectly manicured) hands, she has to be scared to death of bugs and rodents, and need him to walk her to her car at night to fend off rapists and muggers so that he feels needed, when it's not too much trouble or interrupting said games.

SO, she has to be self-sufficient, but not so self-sufficient that she realizes she doesn't really need him.


SEXUAL BRAVADO-

She has to be sexually free; the adventurous type who will indulge his passion for road head, anal sex and threesomes with other women (not men)...
But not so free that she'd have tried any of those nasty, slutty things before, especially not with any other men...but will now, just for "you".

She has to have enough experience to know how to do those things for him well, lest he dump her for her inadequacy and find a trophy girlfriend or one half his age that can suck the chrome off a bumperhitch.

So, to recap... she has to be a sexually liberated virgin (whatever her age) who has learned perfect bedroom technique, preferably via osmosis. He of course, can have had as much practice with as many women as possible before her...after all, HE was doing vital research.

MENTAL STATE-

She has to be messed-up enough to cry and beg for crazy, freaky sex with him, preferably after a fight, and especially when he treats her like crap.
BUT, not so crazy that she flips out, is unbalanced, manic-depressive, passive aggressive, co-dependent, psychotic and/or needs to be heavily medicated. (Conscious and quiet will do)


Master these subtleties and you too could be good enough for the kind of man who posts personal ads without his own clear, recent, close-up picture (or no picture at all)! What a catch those men are!

You know, the kind of guy who hasn't gotten laid since the Reagan administration, thinks personal hygiene is merely a suggestion, and jerks off to internet porn so frequently and with such fervor that one bicep is noticeably bigger than the other...while at the same time reserves the right to be his imperfect self while seeking the "perfect" woman.

See how simple it all is?? *wink* Call me!!