Constant grinding can turn an iron rod into a needle - in bed! - January 14, 2007

And other Fortune Cookie
Wisdom To live by...

Pretend that you've just finished dining on a sumptuous feast of Chinese food (that hopefully doesn't include any form of domestic animal). Now, choose your cookie carefully, crack it open and find your fortune inside!

Have you ever noticed that many fortune cookies don’t actually tell fortunes? See, normally I wouldn’t really care about such trivial issues as random messages that come packaged with desserts, but if you find it necessary to call the durn thing a "fortune" cookie at least have it actually tell fortunes rather than all these useless, pointless statements that fortune cookies usually spew forth. What happened to truth in advertising...to getting more bang for your buck?? To demonstrate my point, I recently randomly selected a few "fortune" cookies from local dining establishments, and I will now present some of my various fortunes:

YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO OVERCOME OBSTACLES ON YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS

Notice the tense of this sentence. Now, it might work if it read "You will have the strength", but no, in common fortune cookie fashion this message just makes some random statement that could be applied to anyone. Just like Miss Cleo does with all the saps that call into her hotline.

YOUR CARES WILL LESSEN IF THEY ARE FACED CHEERFULLY

I must say, this is a good message for the optimists in us all. Allow me to define "fortune", however: 1 often capitalized: a hypothetical force or personified power that unpredictably determines events and issues favorably or unfavorably. Welp, no fortune here. Let’s move along.

YOU HAVE HAD A LONG-TERM STIMULATION RELATIVE TO BUSINESS

I don’t know what the hell this is supposed to be. Apparently this cookie decided to tell me my past, though I can’t really say if it’s right or not. I guess that depends on your definition of business. If it means business in the usual sense of the word, with the stock market and what not, then it makes no sense to me. If it means any handling of the business that I’ve done recently, it is correct for assuming that I handle a lot of business. Once again, this is all up for stipulation. Of course, the long term stimulation part sounds interesting and worth exploring. *grin*

FORTUNE COOKIE SAYS: STAR LIGHT, STAR BRIGHT, YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE TONIGHT

Now out of the nine fortune cookies that were destroyed for this purpose, this "fortune" is the only one that starts off with "fortune cookie says". What? Now the fortune cookie has to talk to me in the third person, as if I’m not already confused enough? Or is it just trying to sound like Confucius?

Either way, what follows that bit of nonsense is about as big of a cliché as clichés come. Why doesn’t it just say "your wish will come true tonight"? Then it might actually sound like a fortune. A stupid, lame one at that, but still a fortune. Instead, it comes off as an overused nursery rhyming scheme that reminds me just how stupid these things are and makes me question why I even bother with them.

But alright, alright cookie. If you’re so powerful, my wish is for Osama bin Laden to willingly give himself up on this very night so Americans quit fearing any wrath he may bring down on us. I think this is a reasonable wish. I’m not being greedy. I’m trying to help people. I’m not asking for something abstract like world peace. All I want is Osama’s unconditional surrender. If this occurs on this very night, January 14, 2007, then I will never question a fortune cookie again.

You know what, I’ll even accept a simple capture. If he doesn’t want to give up, fine. Just find the SOB, dialysis machine, camel and all.

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A BIG CHANGE OF EVENTS IN YOUR PERSONAL LIFE

Oh yeah, I love this one. Reminds me of one of my personal favorites amongst the many "fortunes" I’ve received: "Prepare for the unexpected." How the heck are you supposed to prepare for the unexpected? That’s why it’s unexpected, because you cannot foresee it, therefore you cannot prepare for it. But anyways, this "fortune" is along similar lines. I know that changes are a part of life, but you really can’t get ready for them. The fact that they are changes means that they are against your current way of living, a current way of living that does not know how to deal with unforeseen changes. Stupid cookie.

MANY POSSIBILITES ARE OPEN TO YOU – WORK A LITTLE HARDER

I like to think of myself as a hard worker. Even though I have great future potential as a couch potato, right now, I’m no slouch in the work department. This cookie, however, is now going to sit there and tell me that I need to work harder. What the h-e-double toothpicks?? What do you do all day that gives you any right to judge me cookie? You sit in a darned container and wait for somebody to eat you! That’s not work! Stupid hypocritical, judgmental cookie...BAD cookie!

Yeah, so I have a couple more in front of me here, but I think I’ve made my point clear.

On an interesting side note, I also just so happened to look up the definition of fortune cookie: a thin cookie folded to contain a slip of paper on which is printed a fortune, proverb, or humorous statement. What? So why don’t they just make "proverb cookies" and "humorous statement cookies" a separate thing rather than grouping them all together under the very misleading "fortune cookie" title? I would like to know what I’m getting before I expend the energy to open up the plastic wrapping. Is that so much to ask? Some things in this world make no sense. (Including me. *wink*)

More Smart-assy, Oh so "Useful" Fortunes:

Help! I'm being held prisoner inside a Chinese bakery.

Confucius says you suck.

Good things are being said about you... in bed.

You have an ambitious nature and will make a name for yourself... in bed.

The best years of your life have already been lived.

Bite me.

Only a fool would look to a cookie for words of wisdom.

Stupidity will be your downfall. (in bed)

Now is the time to try something new... in bed.

Eat me.

Everything takes longer than you think... in bed.

All of your hard work will never pay off.

Appearances can be deceiving, but you're not fooling anyone. Poseur.

I cannot help you, for I am just a cookie.

Please don't eat me. I love you.

Happiness and success rightly elude you.

Speed is no substitute for accuracy... in bed.

You may yearn for perfection, but mediocrity is your fate.

The only certainty in life is sweet death.

You have the ability to touch many people... in bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Give me your best shot at fortune writing...What would you put in YOUR cookie or better yet in a cookie you'd give me to open? *wink*