Is it just me?
There are days when I pop on here to catch up and end up just shaking my head.
Now admittedly I haven't been around online as often lately...real life and busy schedules, general contentment with many things and quite frankly the need for a bit of down time have all combined to influence the amount of attention I've been paying to online things. We all know that priorities ebb and flow as to what is first and foremost in our lives. As it should be. I never expect anyone else to apologize when they are absent here, nor will I. Friends, even ones that are only acquainted online...will always realize that you're not out of mind simply because you haven't been in touch in a few days. Or such is my theory and what I believe...anyone is free to disagree with me and handle online interactions and friendships in the way they feel most comfortable.
Back to the shaking my head part of the blog. First of all, realize I'm NOT referring to anyone on my friend's list, but rather some "friends of friends" that you almost can't help but notice and end up watching their trials and tribulations that never seem to end. It's almost a morbid thing, like not being able to look away from a train wreck, yet at the same time SO glad you're not involved in said wreck.
I'm referring to those I think of as human flip-flopping Yo-Yo's. The ones that say one thing one day and the very next day are not only retracting it, but are doing a complete 180 as to their feelings about whatever subject it is. Perhaps ping-ponging works as an image as well. It's just my opinion (which I know doesn't mean squat), but you can't be in lust with someone one day, realize they are TOTALLY using you the next, swear that you're taking a break/dating others/moving on the next and with the very next twist..be declaring undying love and devotion forever again. That's not real love or even anything remotely resembling a healthy relationship. Is it any wonder people lament ad naseum these days about the lack of commitment?
Lack of judgment where relationships are concerned and the apparent fear of being alone have combined to create a steady decline in healthy relationships in our society. Are we all becoming too willing to settle for what we can get, even if it's not right or not really making us happy, rather than holding out and waiting for the person that IS good for us? How sad is that? If you do that, you're only setting yourself up for failure over and over again and will never be happy.
Relationships will have ups and downs...that's entirely normal and healthy and even fun at times when you get to make up over silly things.
What is NOT healthy is when you have to talk yourself into thinking you're happy by rationalizing or making excuses for behaviors that leave you feeling sad, make you have a lack of confidence in yourself or that leaves you unsatisfied and wanting more. It's NOT healthy to give up on someone one minute when you're being rational and in a day or two decide that all the transgressions that have been done for years are suddenly non-existent and that you're "hopelessly devoted" to them (to steal a line from Grease). That's just nuts and self-destructive.
You cannot fix another person over time, any change would have to come from within them, not at your bidding or by force of your will or because of your steady blind devotion. You cannot expect that personality traits that irritate you at the beginning of a relationship will somehow become endearing with time..quite the contrary, they will become more and more intolerable.
You cannot expect that someone will suddenly see the light and love you the way you need to be loved rather than love you selfishly and at their leisure or whim. Learn to recognize bad relationships and QUIT making excuses for them or rationalizing that they can become better if only you love the person more or in a better way. That's simply HORSE POOP.
Just because someone will sweet talk you enough to draw you back in, then soon returns immediately to the status quo of dysfunction after you're back in line...it doesn't mean everything is perfect now. Get a backbone and quit falling for false hope and looking through rose colored glasses. Love SHOULD make you float, but at the same time, you need to be realistic and have your feet on the ground. Love has many facets..passion, devotion, sharing, intellectual stimulation, affection, dependable, loyal and yes..with a few small differences thrown in as well for good measure.
If you don't have all of the above, don't make excuses or settle for less than you deserve. Why would ANYONE want to put themselves through the trauma over and over again unless they somehow secretly love misery and/or hate themselves? Life is not a fairy tale with a Prince Charming or Princess that is going to save and rescue you from yourself or make your life a perfect utopia. It requires work and patience.
I know that life throws us all curve balls. I've been dealing with a few of those myself the past couple of months. Not relationship related, things there are great. Also nothing that hasn't been fixable or that didn't ultimately turn out to be okay, even with unexpected outcomes, but nevertheless situations I didn't expect...to me though, that's just living. I really wouldn't have it any other way. Life would be boring if you could see around every corner.
Luckily I do have a steady influence that I can always count on to listen to me vent when I need to..tease me out of moods when I'm taking things too seriously..and to count on for advice I trust implicitly in all things. It makes a huge difference, but it wasn't always the case in my life. It was not easily found and required patience and time alone after other endings to learn how to enjoy my own company before I could even be open to new opportunities and embrace them. Is everything perfect 100% of the time? Of course not, nothing is, thank goodness! This is however, something I never fail to cherish and it IS healthy, grown-up and exciting...it's something that was worth waiting for.
To have something that even through the little bumps in life, never wavers in the things that matter, is priceless in how you look at the rest of your life. To have something to depend on and that you feel confident enough in to the point where you can totally be yourself and know that it will be fine is essential to being happy. It was not easily found though and not something that I ever take for granted.
It's not easy to find and quite frankly some will never find that fit with another person. If you do find the right person, there is still no guarantee it will all work out and that there will never be times you where you wonder what to do next. Gosh durn it to heck though...at some point in your life, you have to turn on the light bulb and realize that being with someone that makes you regularly miserable is worse than being on your own. Act like a grown adult rather than a teenager going through adolescence when you're approaching middle age. There are many things in life that are a lot more tragic than being lonely.
Learn to love yourself and stop putting the blame for all your angst or unhappiness to those around you. It gets old seeing adults raging against the unfairness of life or bouncing in and out of a prescription induced euphoria and back into despair ALL the time without ever a glimpse of happiness or joy. The glass is NOT always half empty. You have to find the small glimmers of joy, they are around if you pay attention. Life is not a sprint, it's a long distance event...learn to pace yourself.
Not that it seems to matter to a lot of people, but your kids learn from you and your behavior, even your teenage and adult children. You have a responsibility to them. At some point it has to be about them and you should be required to set a good example, whether it's what you want to be doing or not. No wonder our emotional and relationship health in the world today seems to be declining at an alarming rate. We're creating cycles of dysfunction that continue to grow like ripples in a pond.
I still have hope for the survival and resurgence of real love and common sense.
Perhaps I'm a hopeful romantic in spite of my head shaking.
~Never make anyone a priority in your life that is only willing to have you as an option in theirs.~
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