WHAT is so interesting about sex?
It's an under-rated abdominal workout
It's an under-rated abdominal workout
When else can you make that face and get away with it?
Oh, the thought of it makes me wanna...oh...excuse me I need to be alone
If you have to ask...um...you're doing something wrong...need a map?
C'mon, do you really need a reason?!
Well, well, well...interested in sex are we? Before I begin, if you are over the age of 18 and coming to this page to learn about sex...well, I suggest you have a talk with your parents (or therapist) first. Far be it for me to rob them of such a 'comfortable' conversation they should have had with you long ago. Besides, I would probably take advantage of your lack of knowledge and give you incorrect information...the next thing you know I'll have you poking her in the belly-button (for women, I'd probably tell you an orgasm sounds like a rooster in the morning...damn that would be funny to see). For the rest of you who have participated, enjoyed and perhaps paid for sex (Hey, I don't know how desperate you are)...shall I continue?
As most of you know, the act of sex is what appears to motivate, destroy, inspire and pre-occupy us. Nations have crumbled, Presidents have tarnished their reputations and the liquor companies have made a fortune in helping to 'lower inhibitions’. If you think about it, a vast majority of things that we do are sex driven...in some form or another. People will make remarkably bad (sometimes illegal) decisions when in the 'Horny State' (which, by the way, is up for the 51st state in the union).
Now, I'm not negating the influence of love or wanting to meet the 'right' person, but usually sex is still a factor, poking it's head out from under the covers (excuse the pun). I will now attempt to simply give my 'humble' opinion on the subject...if you were hoping for instructions...well, refer back to your parents again (Now, if you live on a farm...well...you know where I'm going with this...you're on your own).
Sex done well is amazing...hell, sex done badly is quite impressive as well...but, I digress. There are different types of sex:
HIGH SCHOOL SEX: This is what we refer to as 'the dry hump'. Nothing much to gain but chaffing and the ability to say to yourself over and over, "Oh my God, I'm having sex!".
COLLEGE SEX: This is what I like to refer to as "I'm surprised I didn't come away without anything requiring Penicillin". College sex is easy (usually drunken) and the most accessible. If there are parents with kids in college reading this: Don't worry, your kid is at Bible study. Albeit accessible, college sex is usually devoid of any romanticism, as well as much skill (except for when WE were in school, of course *blowing on my fingernails and polishing them on my shirt*).
MOVIE SEX: This is the kind of sex that most of us strive for, where you wish there were cameras involved (look into pornography if this really interests you) and you are some vixen/stud whose primary emotion is passion. Sadly, the night is cut short when you begin to recite lines from specific movies and you realize 'against the wall' is not only difficult, but also tough on the knees!
KAMA SUTRA SEX: Refer to 'contortionist'
MARRIED SEX: Refer to 'non-existent'
Obviously there are other types of sex (some illegal in certain states), but I'm assuming my audience is intelligent enough to know that.
All right...SO, what do you do to improve your lovemaking, you ask? (even if you're not, humor me) If you're waiting for a detailed diagram, well, you'll be waiting for a long time. Besides, I think there are some laws, or something, that prohibit me from doing that. So, I'll do what most of you have asked for more of..."What to do and What not to do" lists. As always, I will break down each gender and try to pass along my infinite fountain of wisdom on the subject...or at least what I read in my...ahem... 'scientific sexual journals'...which reminds me, I have to renew my...ah....subscriptions. I only read the articles, I swear!! *wink*
FREEBIE TIP:
Men: Cunnilingus Is NOT A Type Of Pasta...So Stop Calling It Cunni-Linguine.
Men: You Know You Need To Give Up And Pay For Sex When:
You think saying, "Hi, my name is 'Joe'....just so you know what name to scream" to a girl at a bar is charming (hell, I actually like that one, cracks me up!)
Your best line is, "Hey, I gotta waterbed...wanna make 'The Perfect Storm'?"
Ask her to pretend to be your mother and tell you during sex, "You're not applying yourself!"
Think foreplay involves putting a pillow under her head
Tell her your 'Swedish Made Penis Pump' is really a juice-maker or an old bike tire pump.
Play Ping-Pong with her breasts for twenty minutes and fall asleep
("Wow...bouncy...hehe...Zzz").
Actually say, "I can't wear a condom...it's not big enough"...get over yourself pee-wee.
Offer to bathe her, but use an entire bar of soap on her chest....they're clean already Romeo.
No really, she never fakes it with you
"Your orgasm?! No kidding, you can have those too??!!"
Have a typical conversation with a girl that goes as follows: (Her:) "Hi" (You:) "Wanna have sex" (Her:) "How was your day?" (You:) "Wanna have sex" (Her:) "So, you wanna watch a movie tonight?" (You:) "Yeah, I got a great porn movie....then we can have sex"
When she asks you to rub her back and you do and she has to say, "My BACK, not my BACKSIDE...BACK!"
When she asks you to rub her back and you do and she has to say, "My BACK, not my BACKSIDE...BACK!"
Know the names, videography, likes and dislikes, favorite color and dimensions of porn stars named "Mandy Mounds" "Tiffany Tush" "Rebecca Robust" and "Brandy Breasts" (the names of real porn stars have been changed to protect the innocent)...you need a real woman, find a hooker now....now.
Women: Do's and Don’ts or
"You Know You're A Good Lover When..."
A man walks into the wall directly after sex going to the bathroom and doesn't notice ("Damn thing jump jumped out at me...").
When you can convince a man that dressing like "Little Bo-Peep" in bed is a good idea ("Who's a baaaaaaaad boy?")
Don't tell a lover you are glad he isn't as big as your ex-boyfriend
Do tell your lover they are 'the perfect size'
Don't tell a man how you learned to 'pleasure orally' from your days in porn ("It was just one movie, called the Pool-boy Cometh")
Do understand that men sometimes watch porn and might have seen you
When a man screams your name and have no friggin clue what his is, you've done something right in the "do" catagory.
Do get a Victoria's Secret charge card
Do NOT point out that the sexy lingerie he loves is actually from an "ex" and afore mentioned "ex" would attack you everytime you wore it (kinda like removing used wrapping paper from a gift)
Now, what do we do about all this? And what does it mean?
Well, I won't explain what it means, but I must say that I do have my opinions. Is it better to have a sex with a lot of people, or better to have a lot of sex? Personally I will never compete with Wilt Chamberlain, but I must say that consistent sex is a whole hellava lot better than one night hook-ups wherein you have invested no time to be sure you are a good lover with that particular person (who knows, your last conquest could have had a thing for you playing the part of Spanish Conquistador, when this new girl prefers you to play Urkel...it could happen).
In my opinion, being with one person allows you to learn a little, until you find the pattern (yes, it's like geometry...or something) that is consistent. Additionally..women, NEVER fake an orgasm with a man. The only thing that will happen is the male will think they are doing something right and continue to do the wrong things. It is healthy to discuss what you like and don't like, so that you can become a fantastic lover for the person you are with.
Men, a hint, your penis/cock/love sword just doesn't do it everytime (Oops, was that over the line?). Women need a little more attention than just the wind blowing (which gets most males in the mood by the way). Sadly, it doesn't take much for men to...um, "finish"...so keep in mind that the body has so many erogenous zones, enjoy every one of them.
Women, a hint for you, try not to pull it off when trying to arouse a lover...pain is bad, mmmm,k? Also, the DH (refer above, high school) is only good for the male for a short period before their zipper becomes the enemy and they retreat.
Okay, you are now free and ready to go forth and be successfully debacherous...*wink*
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